Monday, April 29, 2013

Fake Review: G.I. Joe - Retaliation

This is the original post I uploaded on April 1st. I don't think it really fooled anyone, and it wasn't up very long, but I sure thought it was funny. So I'm putting it back up for shits and giggles. feel free to compare this fake review to the real one from earlier this month. But remember: this was a joke and not at all my actually feelings about this flick.

 Fake review after the jump. 

Originally posted 4/1/13

I’m so happy that I was able to catch G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Even though it was supposed to come out last year the anticipation for this film has only grown. Those of you who have been reading my blog for years know how much I loved the first G.I. Joe movie (except for those lame talking parts, of course). How does the sequel stack up?

[WARNING: Spoilers Ahead]

Bang bang bang!
First of all I have to say that I was very surprised how great the acting was in this movie. Most of the actors were able to convey both emotions, angry and jovial, very well. Also everyone seemed to remember their lines which is good for keeping me invested in the story. I’m sorry to say that Channing Tatum was only around in the movie for the first act of the film before he was killed off which is a shame because Tatum is one of the best actors in Hollywood today. His ability to play stoic man of action AND immature funny guy is a testament to his skills. I mean he plays two characters; that’s one whole character more than the average actor!

Thankfully they got rid of that loser Joseph Gordon-Levitt from the first film. Man, what a waste of space. The guy is soooo dull. Did you see that movie where he had cancer? 50/50 Shades of Summer or whatever? I think I reviewed it? Man, what a chick flick. Anyway instead here we get The Rock, who’s not only a powerhouse in Hollywood but is also tearing it up as the WWE Champion, taking time away from far less deserving full-time wrestlers and not performing at local events. Hell, I think The Rock is in about sixteen movies this year. Next up: Fast & Furious 6. I got my ticket, do you?

The plot is good. I mean, I was kind of confused a lot of the time, especially when they were talking, but I just zoned out during those parts and waited for the explosions to start so it was all good. The action was top notch. The fact that the camera’s tendency to shake a lot during key fight scenes making it hard to see what was going on just increased the tension for me. Also, and most importantly, Adrianne Palicki who plays Lady Jaye is really hot and spends several scenes hardly wearing any clothes. You guys know that’s how much I like that kind of stuff. 

Bottom line is that this movie has everything: great action, boobs, explosions. That’s all I need to know. This was a great use of money (and the 3D? Totally worth the extra cash). I can’t recommend this movie enough. Watch NOW! 

G.I. Joe: Retaliation gets 5 out of 5 Adorable Pandas




-I can’t think of one!!!!

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