Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Batman Versus II

After several months of being idle it's time once again to play the greatest game ever created: Batman Versus.

Batman is the only non-powered superhero to be "too powerful"

For those of you who have forgotten or are new readers who don’t like looking at the archives Batman Versus is a fun variation of the “Who Would Win in a Fight?” discussion. We (And by “we” I mean “nerds”) all know that Batman can’t be defeated by anyone; that’s just common sense. The Dark Knight can pretty much overcome anyone given enough prep time (Or so the saying goes). Let’s assume that’s not just fanboyish nonsense; in this game you must explain how Batman defeats his opponent.

Here’s how it works: The first player challenges the second player to explain how Batman defeats someone or something. It needs to be an organic and natural explanation or else it won’t count. The first player and the judge decide if the theory is sound. The Judge has final say whether the explanation was satisfactory. Players One and Two then switch roles.

[WARNING: Because she is the most powerful creature in the multiverse using Squirrel Girl is grounds for disqualification because to suggest that even Batman could defeat her, regardless of preparation time, is laughable. Also trying to initiate a “Batman Vs. Batman” scenario is also prohibited as it could create a paradox that may cause a chain reaction that will destroy the universe. Although the damage may just be limited to our own galaxy you should still not take the chance.]

Here are some more examples to help you get started:

Batman Versus Spider-Man: Perhaps Bruce Wayne subscribes to the Daily Bugle. Perhaps J. Jonah Jameson was a close friend of Thomas Wayne and Bruce knows him very well. Maybe he doesn’t take kindly to superheroes who make self-serving deals with the devil are young, hip and single. Whatever the case Batman seems to think that Spider-Man is menace rather than a hero and has to take him down. Tell me how he does.

Are...are they about to kiss?

Difficulty: Beginner. It’s just a superhero fight after all

Batman Versus Doctor Doom: In a lot ways Doctor Doom is what Batman would be like if he was evil and Eastern European. Can the Dark Knight defeat a foe with an intelligence and preparation time a match for his own? Obviously yes, but how?!

Difficulty: Easy, but might still run the risk of creating a paradox

Batman Versus The Klingon Empire: James T. Kirk has dropped the ball in regards to this proud warrior race problem one time too many so now it’s up to Batman to clean up the mess once and for all. Since Klingons aren’t really a superstitious and cowardly lot could this be the final curtain call for the Caped Crusader? Nope, he defeats their entire civilization.

"Is Gowron gonna have to cut a bitch?"

Difficulty: Moderate. After the battle Batman is known as “Bruce the Unforgettable” from then on (Have I mentioned I’m a big Star Trek geek?)

Batman Versus Dinotopia: Who the hell do these overgrown lizards think they are, walking the streets like they own them? Technically “Dinotopia” means “terrible place” so you know that there’s some gun running or drug trafficking going on. So it’s up to Batman to bring their society down for good!

Pictured: A prefect depiction of what went on in Dinotopia

Difficulty: Moderate. Incidentally I imagine the plot of such a crossover could be similar The Dark Knight Returns, except instead of fighting Superman in the final issue he fights Moon-Boy and Devil Dinosaur.

Batman Versus The Linear Flow of Time: Unfortunately Lois Lane has been killed in an earthquake and Superman is nowhere to be found. Batman needs to go back mere minutes in time to prevent her death but the Laws of Physics stand in the way. How does he do it?

Hopefully this fight involves Batman punching out Newton

Difficulty: Expert, but mainly because I didn’t take physics in High School or in College.

If you have any one has any responses to any of these challenges feel free to post them in the comment section or e-mail it to me.

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