Monday, February 27, 2012

Beta’s Super Awesome Unofficial 84th Academy Awards Blog: Even Harder

[The following intro was written before the show began]

Another year, another trip to the Oscars. If I recall last year was not as self-indulgent as some past events but still pretty dull. Also the hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco didn’t exactly set the world on fire. This year’s show has had its share of controversy already. Brett Ratner, director of X-Men 3 and the Rush Hour movies and a guy who is the forerunner for my Biggest Asshole in Hollywood list, was supposed to produce and direct this thing but was more or less fired after he said “Rehearsal is for [Gay Slurs]” in an interview because he is a huge dick. Eddie Murphy was supposed to host but he dropped out because I guess gays slurs isn’t really a hot issue for him. They have now been replaced by Don Mischer as director and Billy Crystal as host, which will be his ninth time. If you recall last year he showed up for about five minutes and I thought was about 1000% more interesting than anything else on the show. Clearly the people in charge agreed and now they’ve pulled him out of the closet, dusted him off and put him back to work. So much for appealing to the “young generation”. Which is just as well because clearly Hollywood doesn’t really understand how to do that anyway.

I have since seen a few more films up for awards since I did the pre-blog a few weeks ago. It sounds like the battle for Best Picture will be between Hugo and The Artist. I was able to see Hugo…and I have to say it really sucks that I missed out on watching it sooner because IT’S TH BEST F**KING MOVIE OF 2011! Seriously! If I had seen it before I wrote my Best Movies of 2011 blog it would have edged out The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. As for The Artist…still haven’t seen it. It’s an old school black and white silent film that has everyone in Hollywood pissing themselves with excitement. There’s a good chance that it will ultimately clean house here but I’m hopeful Hugo will pull it out. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo probably won’t be winning much tonight but maybe I’ll be surprised.

More after the jump


[The following are random thought Beta had live while watching the 83rd Annual Academy Awards] 

-We start off with Morgan Freeman…because how else can we keep things classy while we talk about how awesome Hollywood is.

 -The kiss between George Clooney and Billy Crystal is not the sexist thing in the world

-Also I must again point out that Crystal must be using Just for Men, because he’s grey as shit.

"...but not too old"
-Justin Bieber…bleh.

-This opening sequence is really, really dull. I hope this isn’t the tone for the whole show

-Singing. Good. But not really

-So we’re celebrating seat fillers now? I’ve always thought of the concept of seat fillers to be bullshit

Hugo Wins Best Cinematography 

Beta Says: Hugo WINS!! I still don’t know what Cinematography entails. But I like this guy’s long hair and beard!

He looks like a retired, if fancy, viking
 Hugo Wins Best Art Direction 

Beta Says: WOOHOOOO! This film looked fantastic so I think this is the best call!

-Billy Crystal’s jokes are alright but nothing super entertaining. I miss Hugh Jackman hosting this thing…

The Artist Wins Best Costume Design 

Beta Says: I haven’t seen the vast majority of these films, save Hugo, so I guess I don’t have any right to comment too much on it

-Jenifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz are not my favorite people in Hollywood. Not one bit

The Iron Lady Wins Best Makeup 

Beta Says: Unless it takes eight hours to do then I don’t care

-All these actors are talking about their first movie. I’m not sure what my first movie was but the first one I remember was Ghostbusters II. My dad told me there was a ghost in the toilet. It scared me so much I ran throughout the theater screaming

A Separation Wins Best Foreign Language Film 

Beta Says: While I didn’t see any of these films I think it’s pretty cool that a flick from Iran won best picture. First time for this.

-Hell yeah Christian Bale…although his beard is a shell of what it was last year

Octavia Spencer (The Help) Wins Best Supporting Actress 

Beta Says: Genuine surprise and genuine emotion from Miss Spencer. That’s good to see. It’s always good to see African Americans to win some Oscars but this was particularly cool to see. She was just weeping openly

Aw crybaby gonna cry some more?
-The Focus Group scene is so far the most entertaining part of this. It makes me want to re-watch A Mighty Wind

-I’m pretty much over Tina Fey at this point

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Wins Best Film Editing 

Beta Says: I feel this flick was amazingly well edited so I’m jazzed it won. WIN MORE PLEASE!

Hugo Wins Best Sound Editing 

Beta Says: Rack ‘em up, rack ‘em up, rack ‘em up!

Hugo Wins Bets Sound Mixing

 Beta Says: Hugo can’t be stopped! HUGO WON’T BE STOPPED!!!!

-Yes! The Muppets! Speaking of the Muppets how is it that this film didn’t get any Golden Globe love?

 -I want to point out that the producers of this show decided that neither of the two (And ONLY two) numbers nominated for Best Song would be allowed to be performed due to time constraints. And yet we have this Cirque du Soleil nonsense taking up valuable screen time! AM I A MAN OR AM I A MUPPET?!??!?

Undefeated Wins Best Documentary 

Beta Says: I love scripted sports films…but a documentary covering real life sports? Are you insane?! Like last year I haven’t heard of any of these films. Meh.

-Chris Rock has been the second best thing about this show so far. Maybe they should have had him host again next year

Rango Wins Best Animated Film 

Beta Says: I really, really wanted to see this film because it reminded me of An American Tale II. Now I regret missing out on it a thousand times more. Note to Pixar/Disney: There’s a reason Cars 2 wasn’t nominated. But don’t worry; I’m sure Brave will remedy this at next year’s show

-I like Emma Stone. She’s charming and has a jazzy voice. I wish her well in her career. Ben Stiller? If it ain’t the Royal Tenenbaums I ain’t interested

Hugo Wins Best Visual Effects 

Beta Says: Several of the movies, even Real Steel, looked really good. I’m not certain Hugo won for the right reasons but who cares; RACK ‘EM UP!!!

Christopher Plummer (Beginners) Wins Best Supporting Actor 

Beta Says: Didn’t see the movie (Of course, because I’d be professional if I had) but it’s pretty cool to see Plummer be the oldest actor to win an Oscar. Although it would have been hilarious had Jonah Hill won

-Every time representatives of the Academy come out to talk about anything I get sleepy

The Artist Wins Best Original Score 

Beta Says: I actually saw a few of these but not the winner. I couldn’t understand most of what Ludovic Bource was saying.

-I wish I didn’t have to see Will Ferrell. Also I blame him for Conan O’Brien shaving his bear

The Muppets Wins Best Original Song 

Beta Says: Specifically Man or Muppet. For the record Bret McKenzie is awesome. If you don’t know anything about Flight of the Concords stop reading this right now and Google that shit. I’ll wait. Okay, now that you’re back I want to point out again that I’m bummed The Muppets didn’t get more love or that this song was performed. Cirque du Soleil has officially hit my shit list.

-Billy Crystal may have fudged that line but at least no one has dropped an F-Bomb yet

The Descendants Wins Best Adapted Screenplay 

Beta Says: Fair enough. The film was pretty good but the script was particularly memorable.

Midnight in Paris Wins Best Original Screenplay 

Beta Says: Midnight in Paris was a really good film but I’m not sure I would have ranked it that high. Also where the hell is Woody Allen?

The Shore Wins Best Live Action Short 

Beta Says: Unsurprisingly I didn’t see any of these films. Where does one go see short films like this anyway?

Saving Face Wins Best Documentary (Short Subject) 

Beta Says: Ditto

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore Wins Best Animated Short Film 

Beta Says: Also Ditto. Actually I know where to go see animated short films, I’m just too lazy to drive to those places.

Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist) Wins Best Director 

Beta Says: David Fincher got robbed. He totally should have been nominated for this. That said Hugo should have won…unless it turns out The Artist really is better. This guy winning could mean something good or something bad Hugo come Best Film -Ah, honorary Oscars; “the academy snubbed you for years but hopefully this will shut you up”. Seriously, how the shit has James Earl Jones not received an Oscar before this?

Jean Dujardin (The Artist) Wins Best Actor 

Beta Says: I have only seen The Descendants and I earnestly believe that George Clooney just gave the same performance he always does. I don’t know anything about Dujardin, as I suspect most of America does not, but I’m guessing we’ll all be hearing a lot more of him over the next two years.

-I’m somewhat surprised that Best Actress is going on after Best Actor

Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady) Wins Best Actress 

Beta Says: It’s hard to say that Rooney Mara was robbed since there was a lot of fierce competition in this category. Hopefully Mara will turn out not to be a one trick pony and we’ll see her again. Though I once said that about Anne Hathaway and she’s not been around in this category much.

Suck it, youngsters
-Bleh, Tom Cruise. I’m not saying anything about this

The Artist Wins Best Picture 

Beta Says: Bah! A pox on The Artist! Hugo was killing it all through the show but lost the only award that truly matters in the long run. I will have to see The Artist, it’s now super important, because I want to talk trash about it beating Hugo but I can’t because I can’t say it’s a worse film. But Hugo was a fantastic film that should be watched by everyone. Also The Girl with the dragon Tattoo should have been nominated over The Descendants and Midnight in Paris. ANGER!!!!

Huuugooo!!

Final Thoughts: If I had to describe tonight’s show in one word it would be “Uneventful”. Like last year they’ve made sure things were toned down from the sickening spectacle that were floating around in the 2000s (Likely due to budgetary reasons) but even so it wasn’t really a great show here. Things went smoother and Billy Crystal did a solid job hosting for his ninth time; certainly better than the previous hosts. Of course, like Crystal did last year, Chris Rock ended up showing up and getting the biggest entertainment value of the night. No huge surprises, just a few big disappointments. It’s better than last year I think, as the silliness wasn’t anywhere near ELEVEN but still not all that good. I’ll give it a Thumbs in the Middle.

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