Beta Likes Wrestling #0: The Warning

When I first started my blog in 2010 I threatened that one day I might write about professional wrestling. Well, ladies and gentlemen, after six years of avoiding it that day has finally come. God help us all.

The day the darkness came; it swallowed up all light...and all hope

It's WrestleMania season, the time of year where the entire professional wrestling industry steps it up a bit. As a longtime wrestling fan I tend to get pretty excited when the annual event draws closer. Since I had fallen behind on my blog writing this month, and I have a serious case of “Wrestling on the Brain,” I’ve decided I’d do a couple of write-ups about the show this week.

Now since I’m coming out as wrestling fan (for those of you who don’t check out my twitter feed, I mean) I’m sort of setting myself up for online ridicule and possibly a loss regular readers. It’s tricky. So consider this post to be a warning; if you have zero interest in wrestling and no interest to reading me talk and joke about the subject then perhaps you should come back next week. But if you’re a person who doesn’t know about it at all but have an open mind I’m going to include a quick FAQ to help catch you up on this.

Weird ass wrestling after the jump.

Pictured: The future of pro wrestling

Q: You Know Wrestling is Fake, Right? 

A: Well gee gosh golly, reader; now that you’ve pointed that out I suddenly realize the error of my ways! Look, professional wrestling is fiction and only young kids and a very small minority of dumb adults don’t realize it. It’s the equivalent of a sports movie (though the actors are also the stuntmen); we all know the Mighty Ducks playing against Iceland isn’t a real hockey game and that the “Flying V” isn’t actually an effective strategy but no one complains about those movies being “fake”. I suggest you check out this video from screenwriter/director Max Landis if you really want a good response to the “Wrestling is Fake” statement.

Q: Isn’t wrestling for dumb people?

A: A few times in my life someone has flat out told me they lost some respect for my intelligence upon discovering I was a wrestling fan. People say comic books are just for kids and only weirdos like anime. These are all blanket statements that are only uttered by assholes. All kinds of people like all kinds of things. It’s not exactly high art but it’s fun.

Q: How exactly does professional wrestling work?

A: The basic concept is that two competitors try to pin the other’s shoulders to the mat for a count of three (usually achieved by knocking you opponent out long enough to do it) or making them submit, and thereby winning the match. (And yes, the outcomes are all predetermined. It’s for fun, dudes.) The matches are typically built around a fictional narrative that can be as simple as “I win this match and I get the winner’s purse” or as complicated as “You stole my father’s corpse at his funeral and I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!” It features a variety of brightly dressed over-the-top characters with larger than life personalities. When done poorly…um...it’s hot garbage. When done correctly it’s a really fun set up. But that is the crux of wrestling; a soap opera where everyone’s problems can eventually be solved by fighting someone (and sometimes hitting them with a chair).

They, uh, they often don't wear clothing

I’m not very interested in writing a book about all this (…I mean, not today) but I just wanted to give something of an intro before I start bombarding this site with long winded predictions. As I said earlier I plan on posting a few of these posts for the rest of the week so read at your own peril, I suppose. Normal blog postings will resume when I finish my review of The Seven Deadly Sins or watch Batman v Superman and get really angry.