[Starting today, due to circumstances beyond my control, I will no longer be able to use Times New Roman 12-point font. I’m really depressed about this]
So I’ve been doing this blog for this long and I haven’t talked too much about Star Wars yet? We better rectify this.
I like Star Wars. I loved it when I was a child, but as I grew older I’ve sort of lost of lot of my fondness for it.
Oh wait I’m sorry; it wasn’t getting older that changed anything. What I meant to just type was “After the second trilogy of suck I lost a lot of my fondness for it. If you asked me where I stand on the Star Wars/Star Trek debate I’d go Star Trek all the way.
I am a fan of the franchise for the most part though and I do have opinions of various aspects of it. Not all of them are typical.
Click below for unbelievably nerdy ranting.
#5: George Lucas is a Mediocre Director
|In his defense he gave away a crap load of his own money|
Let’s face it: George Lucas has directed only one really good film in his life and it was called “American Graffiti”. The original Star Wars is very historically relevant and at the time I’m sure the special effects were mind blowing but the film itself wasn’t all that good and doesn’t hold up as well as its two sequels decades later. The dialogue is pretty hokey (Han Solo notwithstanding), it feels disconnected from the rest of the trilogy, and the plot is pretty much every fantasy story you’ve ever seen except, you know, it’s in space. Yeah The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi are both fantastic films and I’d count both of them as some of my favorite movies of all time but those two flicks were directed by Irvin Kershner and Richard Marquand respectively and not Lucas. He did however direct The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, two of the worst goddamn movies I’ve ever seen. Revenge of the Sith? That was “okay” at best especially compared to what it followed. Basically George Lucas is a great world builder as he has tons of really cool ideas for settings and characters but whenever he sits in the director’s chair things start getting dull, cliché and ultimately difficult to watch. Had he just had some talented directors take the helm while he produced the second trilogy those car wrecks might not have been such a damn awful memory.
#4: C-3PO isn’t That Bad, Shut Up
I’m a bit sick of hearing people say how much they dislike C-3PO especially in conversations where people talk about what a damn badass R2-D2 is. It weird but I‘ve hear peopel mention 3PO in the same breath as Jar Jar Binks in terms of terribleness. Come on guys, 3PO is pretty damn cool. Yeah maybe he’s whinny but so is Luke Skywalker. He’s has an interesting personality that meshes nicely with the rest of the principle cast. True a lot of the comedy based around him may be targeting a younger audience but it’s nothing that should make older folk roll their eyes. He’s an important part of the cast and without him I’m pretty sure all of the original trilogy would have been worse off. Plus you gotta admit he has some of the best lines in the series.
Of course I’m only talking about the original trilogy. In the second trilogy he’s completely superfluous in most of his scenes and in a few of them he’s absolutely dreadful and even painful to watch (Talking to you, Attack of the Clones…you piece of shit).
#3: Enough Boba Fett, Already
|Something about Boba seems off today...|
When I was a kid I thought Boba Fett as really cool. His unique look in conjunction with the fact that we knew NOTHING about him made him one of the more intriguing side characters in the series. We knew he was a bounty hunter, we knew he had some cool ass gadgets, and we knew he had something of a swagger about him (And we knew we went out like a goddamn punk in the third movie) but aside from that we knew little else. There was some Expanded Universe material that helped fill in the gaps but nothing too official since there weren’t any more movies.
Then they made more movies. Capitalizing on the surprising popularity of the character Lucasfilms pimped Fett out like a two-dollar ho. Aside former revealing a rather lame origin (He’s a spider-clone, apparently) he now seems to show up all over the place. I’m a little tired of seeing the guy around. Its like with Marvel Comics character Deadpool. He was pretty cool too until he was starring in THREE ongoing titles. It’s overexposure, plain and simple. He was awesome when he was mysterious but now he’s just another Star Wars character. That all said I would be down to see Boba Fett (Not Jango Fett, although he’s pretty cool) in a new live-action film where he gets to prove that he’s the badass we all hoped he’d be but considering that the likelihood of anymore Star Was moves in unbelievably low that probably won’t be happening.
#2: Hell Yes, Ewoks!
This similar to the C-3PO thing but on a much larger scale. I’ve heard some people talking trash about 3PO but EVERYONE talks trash about Ewoks. I don’t know if it’s because they touched my heart as a kid or if it’s because I was all about cartoon Ewoks back in the day (But not Droids, weirdly) but I have a soft spot for the little teddy bears. I know some people are annoyed by the fact that they were specifically made to appeal to children but there are worse ways to do that, as we saw later in the second trilogy. At least some of these kiddy characters were involved in the very adult theme of war and the consequences thereof. When I was a child and I saw that one dead Ewok (You know the one) it certainly didn’t feel like I was watching a kids’ movie. Some people say that it’s stupid that a bunch of muppets defeated the Emperor’s best troops. 1) They didn’t defeat them so much as distracted them so Han Solo and Leia (And the fleet in orbit) could defeat the Emperor’s best troops. Plus is it really that difficult to believe that a small army of natives using guerrilla tactics could hold off a larger and supposedly better trained enemy force (See: Vietnam) . 2) Even if they personally defeated the entire Imperial force including detonating the Death Star with spears it could, and probably should, be considered a lucky fluke that will never ever happen again so calm down. 3) Assuming that what we’ve seen of the Emperor’s troops in Episodes IV and V would be considered “average” I’m not certain that being “elite” means much. That’s a lot like being King of Shit Mountain. 4) Ewoks aren’t muppets. The Muppets would have defeated the Empire years ago with their own super weapon: snark.
|Statler: I gotta admit; those Star Wars films are pretty good.|
Waldorf: Oh really?
Statler: Yeah. They've been great for my insomnia!
If nothing else how can you hate Ewoks? They’re so damn adorable they make me want to melt! Also the Ewok Song? An important part of my childhood denied to me since the Special Edition re-releases in 1997 and even twelve year old Beta knew things had gone wrong.
F’N Metal! Note the lack of Hayden Christensen. Truly it was a golden age.
#1: Princess Leia Should Have Been the Goddamn Main Character
|Best. Movie. Ever.|
Look, I’m not saying that Luke Skywalker is a lousy character or even a lousy lead BUT Leia Organa would have been the bolder choice for a main character. Think about it: she has the same connection to Darth Vader as Luke so the progression of events would mostly be the same throughout the three films plus Vader helped blow up her home world thus murdering her friends, adopted family and millions of her people! That sounds like strong motivation for
revenge JUSTICE to me!
Plus while Luke’s personality is kind of low key and took three movies to finally go anywhere Princess Leia had defined and memorable persona from the get go; she was the antithesis of the typical damsel in distress and fearless in the face of enemies and even potential allies (Including Wookies who, despite being able to tear her arms off, are all just walking carpets to her). She’s good with a blaster and has a keen diplomatic mind. Add some serious Jedi training from Yoda to that and she’d be the most badass person in the galaxy! If Lucas had played his cards right we could have had Kill Bill twenty years earlier…but with lightsabers!
Basically I just find Leia to be a more interesting of a character than Luke and with potentially a stronger motivation, especially the story were written to have Leia met Obi-Wan first. That would have been such a brave choice to have the main character of your science fiction epic to be a none-sexually exploitative woman in 1977. But really that’s just the talk of fanficiton. The movie is fine as is, but one still wonders what could have been.
|Leia Organa will return in "License to Kill"|